#1 - Suicide (Part3)

Every third time my name was being called. I was going to make a comical joke about moving towards the light since I was obviously hallucinating by now. The bathroom door flew open and I know I cant be hallucinating that.

Germaine, the only real friend I have, was standing in the corridor. Her dark brown eyes flashed angrily and panickey and her long black hair was ruffled like a scared kittens fur. Not only did she look scared she looked pissed, at first I thought this was just part of the hallucination I thought I was having... since no words where being said for a long moment.

"OH FUCK! I knew it! I should have never had let you leave that party alone." She walked into the bath room and I scooted back as if I was trying to disappear from sight. I realize what an ugly sight I am with blood dripping from my arm, half nude, looking something like death warmed over. Suddenly I was self conscious about the whole scene.

"Germz, I'm sorry... You weren't supposed to be here." I say in a small weak voice.

"Yeah right like I'm going to stay at some stupid party when Sam tells me what you were doing before you left to go home. News flash... I knew you were home alone, I just didn't think you were going to do this, this soon! But when I realized the front door was unlocked... Well it all falls in to place so they say."

Germaine grabbed a bath towel that laid still in this frantic environment, and wrapped it around my arm.

"I wish I could say that I'm happy to see you, but I'm not happy to see you, Germz. Some times I wish you would just mind your own business. And leave me to die just like how I almost did." I tried to pull away from her motherly touch.

"I know, but lets hope that you will change your mind on that someday. Now come on, stand up." The tone of her voice told me I better not argue, so I stood up. And watched her pensively.

She turned on the shower and let it run for a few long seconds.

"Well, I didn't turn on the shower because I like to hear the water running, ya know?"

"Wha.. what? You won't want me to take a shower right now????"

"Yes, I do, its part of my plan of getting you cleaned up and settle down and be put to bed, I will force you into the shower if I have to." We changed places, she sat down on the toilet seat and I stood next to the bathtub.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes, look at it this way, you've just put me through hell, frightening me with whatever-you-were-thinking-in-your-crazy-head and now its MY turn."

"I hate you."

I sigh peal off my last thread of dignity and jump into the shower.

#1 - Suicide (Part2)

All alone at home. This makes it even MORE perfect. Mum's out with her friends for some dinner party. Dad.. PRobably he's out with his slutty but sexy secretary or other mistress that he may have.

I was at a party earlier tonight and I figured it was time to go when one of the guys caught me playing with the pen knife. He was too wasted by all the booze to realize I had it biting into my flesh. He just made some comment about girls that play with knives. And I made some joke about girls that dance with death.

Well, here I am in my black g-string sitting on the toilet seat. I'm on the average side, a size 8, black eyes, plain brown hair, nothing outstanding, although I am somewhat voluptous, any way that's not the point. The point is I'm sitting on a toilet seat with a pen knife in one hand and starring at my left arm. I'm going to cut my wrist, all the way up my elbow vertically. That should do the trick.

But wait I want to get some practice cuts in first. You know... so as to make it perfect?? I cut the side of my arm three times horizontally, the second cut was the deepest. For about a minute I was mesmerized by my own blood falling into the sink, nothing else existed at that moment. I watched it drip, its like I'm releasing my inner pain. I was in a trance I didn't even feel any pain, it was like I was floating away from my body, like my soul's leaving.

Drip...Drip...Drip...Drip...
Strangely symbolic my dance with death. I had a little to drink at the party and my adrenaline was pumping from cutting myself and the knowledge that this was my last night, it all made my head spin (a little too much). I was getting a little dizzy, I don't know if I was going to pass out before I got the job done.

Then the next thing I feel in my back, man I'm really out of it. Then I hear my name being screamed over and over in a piercing yell. "Ling! Ling! Ling!" over and over, then punctuated with "Open this god damn f***ing door!"

#1 - Suicide (Part1)

"Dear Journal,Life sucks. Adios forever!" That's how I should write it: Short, sweet, and to the point, right? Well, wrong. I've never been accused of being straight to the point, when it comes to exprssing my feelings, and truth is, I am long winded in my own quiet suffering.

So here goes the real writing.

"Dear Journal,I have been on this planet for all of 18 yrs, and ever since I've grown out of my childhood it's been nothing but pain. I really wish to end this false front of me, being the happy and outgoing me. To do that for one more day seems so impossible. No matter how deep the razor cuts it has never been satisfactory. Tonight is the night I shuffle off this mortal coil and lay myself down for an eternal slumber. I hope you understand that this will be the last night I write in you, for I will be nothing more, but a soul in this world."

There...! That sounds much better, doesn't it? It's all true I feel like there's not a single person I'm close to these days. But oh well that's history.

Virgin Entry

I'm a girl who prefers to pen down her thoughts than to voice it out.
I'm a girl who is starting to write stories and poems in this blog.

I'm a girl who wishes for people to encourage her to write more.
To continue my interest in writing. To never stop writing.

I'm The Girl...
I'm Lil Princess...
I'm Yours Truly...

... and I'm writing now...

Stay tuned!