: My Belles-Lettres :

#2 - The Gazebo (Part5)

2006-06-21T19:00:00.000+08:00

The following day, I went to Wilson's house, and told him what had happened. I also told him that my parents would never accept him in my life. I broke up with him. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth; I had to force them out of me. We said good-bye to each other. Tears came out of my eyes. He dropped me off at work. I just sat outside and cried for hours.

"How could I let him just walk out of my life?" I asked myself. Nothing felt right. I felt so empty inside. I couldn't take it. I knew I wanted to see him one last time. I was hurting. I got in the cab. I knocked on the door. No one answered. I let myself in. He wasn't in his room; I checked every room in the house. Finally, I saw him sitting outside by the swimming pool, with a confused look on his face.

He looked deeply hurt. I couldn't do this to him. I went running in the backyard. I told him to just hold me. When he held me, it felt so right and safe in his arms. I didn't want to let him go. I told him I couldn't live without him, and I asked him to take me back in his life. Without hesitating, Wilson said "My doors will always be open for you. " I told him that the reason I had broken up with him was because I didn't want to hurt him later down in the road.

"By God, I love you Wilson. But later down in the road if we get serious, I can't be with you. I have to marry the person whom my parents pick out for me." I said, with tears in my eyes. I had told him about the situation when we first started seeing each other, but I didn't know that it would actually come to this point. He held my face and said, " I knew what I was getting myself into, when I first met you. You still have few years before your parents marry you off. Maybe you will change your mind by then."

All I knew was that I needed him in my life, and I was willing to go through anything to be with him. I couldn't lose him at any cost. We have been together for nine months. We have our ups and downs. Sometimes we fight and don't get along, for us that's right and sometimes it's wrong, but in our hearts we both know that we'll always love each other. ALWAYS!!!

Ever since that day my parents haven't found anything. Every day I pray to God, I ask him to help me make the right decisions in life. I ask him to give me strength and courage to stand up for myself, and most of all I ask him to help me not to hurt the people that I love and care for the most.

#2 - The Gazebo (Part4)

2006-06-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

They were still upset with me, for the fact that I had taken a picture with a guy. I had let them down. My father raised his voice, "Do you know what this means? Do you know what would happen if anyone of our relatives were to find out about this? I would be kicked out of this society. Do you know what my friends and relatives think about you?" They thought that I was this perfect Indian girl, who doesn't go to the parties, doesn't associate with guys, and believes in Hinduism.

It really hurt me when my mother said that I had let them down. While ripping the picture into thousand pieces, my mother said, "This is it!! It's going to end right here. We have given you too much freedom. No more hanging out with friends! No phone calls! Your friends are not Indians and they are bad influence on you. Go to school and work, and stay home, till we find a nice husband for you. Now go to bed!"

They took away all my privileges after that. I apologized and promised them that I would not do anything to let them down ever again. I couldn't sleep at night. I cried the whole night. My world had turned upside down. I kept thinking about everything that had just happened. I realized that our cultures differed.

There was no way that our Indian society would accept Wilson and I together. No matter how much I loved him, it didn't matter. He is white and by Bhagvat Gita (Indian Bible) I am not allowed to be with someone who is not Indian. I couldn't do this to him or my parents. I realized that I am Indian and I always will be, there was nothing I could have done to change that, and I didn't have the strength to hurt my parents again. I knew I had to sacrifice my love for my parents' happiness.

#2 - The Gazebo (Part3)

2006-06-05T22:55:00.000+08:00

We met when I was doing part-time work. We started dating each other and seeing more and more of each other every day, not knowing that we were falling in love. Soon we became a couple. Our relationship was everything it should have been, almost as if our time together had been written for a novel.

We grew closer and closer during the school year. We would go to the movies, go out to eat, go shopping and most of all... Just to be with each other for a long time. I could hardly sleep at night, just anticipating the next time I would see him and the upcoming weekend we would be together. I shared everything with him, even things I kept from my family and my best friend.

Realization......

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Just like every other day, I went to school, saw Wilson and came home. I was in my own little world, living a fairytale life, when my parents called me in their room, and told my brother to go outside to watch T.V. "Sit down darling." My dad said, with a disappointment in his voice. I looked at my mother. We exchanged a look.

My parents had found a picture of Wilson and I. His arm was around me in the picture. We were sitting right next to each other. From where I come from, girls are not even allowed to have guy friends. In our culture we have arranged marriages. You first get married and then learn to fall in love.

Love before marriage is forbidden. We have to marry someone who is Indian, not only that but he/she must be from the same cast as you are, or the society doesn't accept you. I saw my parents holding the picture that they had found in my wallet.

My heart was beating faster by the seconds. I didn't know what to say. "Who is this guy? Why is his arm around you? Where did you meet him? How far have you gone with him? Are you pregnant?" My parents started asking questions, and they jumped to conclusions without knowing the full facts.

The fact that Wilson is white made them even angrier with me. "How could you do this to us? You let us down. You were our pride." My mother said, with tears in her eyes. I hurt them. I lied to them, just like every other time I had, when I went to go see him. "Mom, I am NOT pregnant. I wouldn't do anything to let you guys down. I met him at Jessica's birthday party, and I took a picture with him."

#2 - The Gazebo (Part2)

2006-05-24T15:17:00.000+08:00

She'd dreamt of this for such a long time. It was so pretty. White lace was draped in waves all around the Gazebo. Near each pillar there was a small gathering of flowers, hand picked that morning and a pretty ribbon to tie them together. Inside the Gazebo, was what her attention was really focused on. She noticed the Pastor standing there with his Bible in hand ready to begin. Ready to unite these two souls, that already had a union man could not begin to explain.

Slowly her deep eyes drifted to the man standing beside the Pastor. He was dressed so handsomely. A black tux with tails was what he wore. Handsome and tall was he. She could see his big cheeky smile even from where she stood. He was standing there holding his hands before him. She could see in his eyes, he was anticipating their first night together. Hearing the tender notes of the song begin, she's unable to hold herself back anymore.

She begins to walk tiny steps to the man she has loved for so long. Each step feels as though it's taking an eternity. Slowly, she is stepping closer to him, when suddenly with a jump… Something jolts her and she stirs, feeling disoriented with her surroundings she reaches out and finds all she can feel are her pillows.

Sitting up she begins to realize it's all been a dream. A familiar dream she hasn't been able to shake. Laying her head softly back to the pillow, she tries to sleep. Letting the tears flow softly down her cheek as the dream lingers on...

From what I see, I am nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing has happened to me my whole life that hasn't happened to nearly everybody else on this planet. Except that I met Wilson. Being in his arms were some of the happiest times I had ever experienced. I could look deep into his eyes and be enchanted forever.

Being with him changed my soul. I felt his love prying apart the hard shell of shyness that encircled me. His trust, his love and his support for me lifted me from the earth and gently sent me into the clouds. He cast off the chains I had given myself. Through him I learned a new insight about the world. It was as if a tall, dark mountain had stood in front of me, and out of nowhere, he provided the wings to fly over it.

#2 - The Gazebo (Part1)

2006-04-11T15:18:00.000+08:00

The sun was beautiful as it's brightness cast across the ocean. Not a cloud in the sky on this day would be allowed. The sea gulls listlessly flew across the sky, taking peeks at the crowd as it grew. The moment was soon to arrive.

Everyone gathered around, happiness and joy in their eyes. Everything was pretty and just so perfect. All that dreams are made of. The chairs were a perfect white. The ribbons and bows, the exact color she had requested, that pretty shade of purple almost into a fuschia. Ribbons and lace flowed from chair to chair.

Flowers had been selected for their beauty as well as their heavenly scent. Every May she'd patiently wait for their bloom. This year they were ready just in time. She had always dreamed of having Lilacs.

From her bedroom window she could see the ocean mist the sides of the cliff with each wave. Setting little rainbows across the horizon. Surely someone above was giving them HIS blessing. In her room, all her best friends and family were buzzing around her like bees to their queen. No need was too great and nothing was left until perfect.

The moment was soon arriving she knew, as one by one, everyone left her there to gaze out at the scene she would soon be the center of. Checking herself one last time in the mirror, her hair was perfect. All swept up in little ringlets. She had on just a touch of make-up and his favorite perfume. Picking up the garter she held it in her hand as she thought of his delight when he'd see she was wearing the stockings he loved so much.

Placing it carefully on in place, she then began to look at her gown. She smiled to herself, she was wearing the gown she'd always envisioned herself to wear. The dress made her look like the princess he always liked to call her. Making her way through the house, she finally reached the entrance and pausing as her dear brother took her arm to begin the journey. At first she notices the people all admiring her, some smiling, happy for her. And others wiping tears of joy away. Her gaze then drifts off to the people so carefully chosen to be there beside them. And just beyond that she can see the Gazebo…

#2 Story Coming Up!

2006-04-11T12:22:00.000+08:00

After a few months of being busy with my event job assignments and school attachment and all, I have emerged again, this time with another story.

This story shall be of a relationship between this man and lady. She loves him, he loves her. Her parents forbid for they are not of the same colour. Its about forbidden love. The love that they cherish. The love hat she wants. The love that she has to keep it as a secret.

STAY TUNED!

#1 - Suicide (Part4)

2005-12-22T08:49:00.000+08:00

I know you hate me now but you'll love me in the morning." Germz yelled. I think I actually screamed when the water hit my wounds, but I never cry. It was probably the fastest shower in my whole life, it probably only lasted about 3 minutes, enough to wash away the blood. When I got out, Germz was no longer there. I really didn't care, I knew she was somewhere and I wasn't to eager to go seek her out.

I wrapped myself in a fluffy towel and headed for my room, my arm was still bleeding a little bit. Germzwas sitting on my bed with a first aid kit on her lap."Sit. Lets see if I'm able to be come a doctor in my future, you will be my guinea pig, and do try not to scream... it distracts me and ruins my concentration."

"You're sadistic." I say dryly and sit down next to her."No, I'm realistic." She did a pretty good job on doctoring my wounds, it hurt like a son of a gun though. I had to clench my teeth to keep from crying out.

"There! All done." Germz said in a fake cheery voice.

"You know that really hurt."

"Yeah and well who's fault is that? I really don't think its mine."

"Are you going to spend the night here in my house?"

"You bet your ass I am, I cant afford to have you try this again when I'm not here. Don't give me that look."

"Well, then avert your eyes because I'm going to change." I got up and walked over to my dresser.

"Oh please." Germz sighed and rolled her eyes, next thing I knew she was taking off her shirt and pants. Germz is very pretty, petite and curvy, it seems that all guys will fall for her. I put on a nightgown. The whole day was catching up to me and I was drained, yawning I got into bed and laid down.

"I really screwed up tonight didn't I? I'm so stupid." I whispered, closing my eyes. I felt Germz laying down next to me and turned on her side facing me."You're not stupid, you did do a stupid thing though, and everyone does stupid things every now and again."

"Yeah but not you, you're the most level headed person I know." I turned on my side so we were face to face, she smiled, it was beautiful.

"Dear I thank you for your faith in my perfectness, but its false faith, I've done my share of stupid things." She reached over and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear tenderly. "Remember Michelle?""Yes, I liked Michelle, she was very nice. I really think she was the one for you.""Yes, well, so did I. I really thought that she was my soul mate and that scared me and I screwed it up."

"How?""Well, remember that party at James's house.""Yeah that was like two months ago, I skipped that party."

"Wish I had. I was three sheets to the wind by the end of the night and I slept with Gerade, my first time with a guy, thank god I don't remember it. Anyway I told Michelle what happened and she broke up with me, which is totally understandable.""I'm sorry Germz, I didn't know."

"Yep now you know even I can me stupid, little dove." I was getting really sleepy and snuggled a little closer to her for warmth. "Do you want to talk about what's going on inside your cluttered mind?"

"I don't think I could talk about it even if I wanted to, Germz."

"Its okay dove, just remember I'm always here for you no matter what." She laid an arm over my side.

"Germz, is it okay if I tell you something?" I asked half a sleep.

"Yes??"

"I love you Germz, and thank you for stopping me.""I love you to little dove." She kissed the top of my head and I feel asleep in her arms.

#1 - Suicide (Part3)

2005-10-30T03:13:00.000+08:00

Every third time my name was being called. I was going to make a comical joke about moving towards the light since I was obviously hallucinating by now. The bathroom door flew open and I know I cant be hallucinating that.

Germaine, the only real friend I have, was standing in the corridor. Her dark brown eyes flashed angrily and panickey and her long black hair was ruffled like a scared kittens fur. Not only did she look scared she looked pissed, at first I thought this was just part of the hallucination I thought I was having... since no words where being said for a long moment.

"OH FUCK! I knew it! I should have never had let you leave that party alone." She walked into the bath room and I scooted back as if I was trying to disappear from sight. I realize what an ugly sight I am with blood dripping from my arm, half nude, looking something like death warmed over. Suddenly I was self conscious about the whole scene.

"Germz, I'm sorry... You weren't supposed to be here." I say in a small weak voice.

"Yeah right like I'm going to stay at some stupid party when Sam tells me what you were doing before you left to go home. News flash... I knew you were home alone, I just didn't think you were going to do this, this soon! But when I realized the front door was unlocked... Well it all falls in to place so they say."

Germaine grabbed a bath towel that laid still in this frantic environment, and wrapped it around my arm.

"I wish I could say that I'm happy to see you, but I'm not happy to see you, Germz. Some times I wish you would just mind your own business. And leave me to die just like how I almost did." I tried to pull away from her motherly touch.

"I know, but lets hope that you will change your mind on that someday. Now come on, stand up." The tone of her voice told me I better not argue, so I stood up. And watched her pensively.

She turned on the shower and let it run for a few long seconds.

"Well, I didn't turn on the shower because I like to hear the water running, ya know?"

"Wha.. what? You won't want me to take a shower right now????"

"Yes, I do, its part of my plan of getting you cleaned up and settle down and be put to bed, I will force you into the shower if I have to." We changed places, she sat down on the toilet seat and I stood next to the bathtub.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes, look at it this way, you've just put me through hell, frightening me with whatever-you-were-thinking-in-your-crazy-head and now its MY turn."

"I hate you."

I sigh peal off my last thread of dignity and jump into the shower.

#1 - Suicide (Part2)

2005-10-20T15:09:00.000+08:00

All alone at home. This makes it even MORE perfect. Mum's out with her friends for some dinner party. Dad.. PRobably he's out with his slutty but sexy secretary or other mistress that he may have.

I was at a party earlier tonight and I figured it was time to go when one of the guys caught me playing with the pen knife. He was too wasted by all the booze to realize I had it biting into my flesh. He just made some comment about girls that play with knives. And I made some joke about girls that dance with death.

Well, here I am in my black g-string sitting on the toilet seat. I'm on the average side, a size 8, black eyes, plain brown hair, nothing outstanding, although I am somewhat voluptous, any way that's not the point. The point is I'm sitting on a toilet seat with a pen knife in one hand and starring at my left arm. I'm going to cut my wrist, all the way up my elbow vertically. That should do the trick.

But wait I want to get some practice cuts in first. You know... so as to make it perfect?? I cut the side of my arm three times horizontally, the second cut was the deepest. For about a minute I was mesmerized by my own blood falling into the sink, nothing else existed at that moment. I watched it drip, its like I'm releasing my inner pain. I was in a trance I didn't even feel any pain, it was like I was floating away from my body, like my soul's leaving.

Drip...Drip...Drip...Drip...
Strangely symbolic my dance with death. I had a little to drink at the party and my adrenaline was pumping from cutting myself and the knowledge that this was my last night, it all made my head spin (a little too much). I was getting a little dizzy, I don't know if I was going to pass out before I got the job done.

Then the next thing I feel in my back, man I'm really out of it. Then I hear my name being screamed over and over in a piercing yell. "Ling! Ling! Ling!" over and over, then punctuated with "Open this god damn f***ing door!"

#1 - Suicide (Part1)

2005-10-10T21:15:00.000+08:00

"Dear Journal,Life sucks. Adios forever!" That's how I should write it: Short, sweet, and to the point, right? Well, wrong. I've never been accused of being straight to the point, when it comes to exprssing my feelings, and truth is, I am long winded in my own quiet suffering.

So here goes the real writing.

"Dear Journal,I have been on this planet for all of 18 yrs, and ever since I've grown out of my childhood it's been nothing but pain. I really wish to end this false front of me, being the happy and outgoing me. To do that for one more day seems so impossible. No matter how deep the razor cuts it has never been satisfactory. Tonight is the night I shuffle off this mortal coil and lay myself down for an eternal slumber. I hope you understand that this will be the last night I write in you, for I will be nothing more, but a soul in this world."

There...! That sounds much better, doesn't it? It's all true I feel like there's not a single person I'm close to these days. But oh well that's history.

Virgin Entry

2005-10-10T20:19:00.000+08:00

I'm a girl who prefers to pen down her thoughts than to voice it out.
I'm a girl who is starting to write stories and poems in this blog.

I'm a girl who wishes for people to encourage her to write more.
To continue my interest in writing. To never stop writing.

I'm The Girl...
I'm Lil Princess...
I'm Yours Truly...

... and I'm writing now...

Stay tuned!